On Spiders

As a child, I was never really *scared* of spiders. I was fascinated by them. I never wanted to touch them (spiders are icky and gross), but I would watch them and follow them and always observed some form of intelligence in them. When I felt really brave, I would try to tempt one onto a twig.

And then someone showed me a picture of one up close. And I saw all of those eyes. Those beady little eyes staring back at me. Marking my every move. Noting my attentiveness to their motions. Watching me.

And that’s when I decided that all spiders must die.

You see there’s this thing called the uncanny valley. The graph will probably help you understand this concept if you’re not familiar with it. The idea is that when things are made more and more human like, there is a point before they actually look (or act) human called the uncanny valley. Corpses, ventriloquist dummies, and human-like robots all tend to be placed in the valley because rather than being familiar and comfortable, they’re just creepy and strange.

Now I know what you’re wondering: Denise, spiders don’t look like humans at all. In fact, not even close. Why on earth do you place them in the uncanny valley?

The answer is quite simple: Eeeeeeeeew I can't look at 'em!

Look at ’em. Staring at you. You know this spider is planning your demise. Now does a spider look like a human? No, of course not, that’d be silly. But their eyes could easily convince me that these little creatures have some form of consciousness and that they’re out to get us. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if the entire spider race is actually conscious and morally evil. It would explain so much. Like why they watch us while we sleep and follow us around the house. Evil, pesky little things.

And that, ladies and gents, is why spiders are evil, kinda human-like, and deserve to die.