A few years back I had a pretty bad case of insomnia. There was no real cause for it, at least no cause that was ever found, but it persisted none the less. Over the course of the past two weeks or so I’ve been having increasing trouble sleeping. Over the past week I’ve been ending up on my back while I sleep, which almost always spirals me into over-involved dreams or nightmares, both of which I usually end up kicking myself out of after a short amount of time which lands me wide awake on the flat of my back at 4:30am. Now when I had insomnia before it wasn’t such a horrible thing because I was in school and there were certain benefits to it. I didn’t really need to pay attention to classes, so it was okay to be daydreaming through them. It also helped me to slide into my not exactly healthy but totally useful drama lifestyle, so I was totally wired when we had to pull tech rehearsals till midnight. Once Junior/Senior years hit, I was needing the caffeine to perpetuate myself through those long nights because my insomnia had faded and I wasn’t naturally wide awake anymore. But now a days there is absolutely no benefit to being an insomniac.
You see, the narrator of Fight Club was right. “When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep… and you’re never really awake.” and “With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything’s far away, everything’s a copy.” When you have insomnia, it’s like constantly walking through a dream, but with this subtle difference: you don’t really know exactly what dreams look like, so it’s like walking through a haze. Bright objects have an almost unnatural glow to them. Sounds aren’t distant, but they echo and reverberate in ways you would never realize if you were awake and paying attention to what the sounds were communicating. And this side of insomnia, the idea of walking through life while not fully awake is both tragic and fascinating.
However the downside to insomnia is clear: there is a lack of sleep. With a lack of sleep comes a lack of rest. Which means that your body will ache. All over. Typing hurts the joints in your fingers and walking up a simple flight of stairs will catch you out of breath and your muscles aching more than they did when you were merely standing around. There’s also a lack of rest on your mind. I’m not able to handle situations and emotions as well as I normally can when I don’t sleep. My eyes get dim, my skin gets pale, and overall, I lose interest in many things. Those things I need to retain interest in I have to force. It’s an absolutely exhausting process to be caught in. I hope and pray that I will sleep well tonight. My body is wearing and I just feel weak. It’s a horrible feeling. To feel unable or inadequate. May sleep find me soon.