The Verdict

The friend I mentioned in the last post is now a former friend. He apparently shot me an email through aol, an email address I check once monthly. He has decided not to be friends with me because “I shot his girlfriend a nasty look”. So says he. It’s funny, I distinctly remember shooting his father a nasty look. Not her. Hmm. Strange how there is so much assumption…oh no wait. No, it is not.


Nothing stings more fiercely than betrayal.

Today, or rather yesternight, I realized that a friend of mine has silently cut off communication with me. Now this seems so very simple, so very small, that you may think I am over reacting to this event to call it “betrayal”, but at this point in time, that is how I perceive it. It is a betrayal of honesty and therefore of trust within our friendship. Now granted it is indeed late at night (or rather early in the morning) and I’m sure that my brain is not working so well as it will be tomorrow morning, but I am having much trouble sleeping on this matter. I have great difficulty sleeping on unresolved matters of such a pressing nature.

You see, my dear reader, I have a dear friend. He shall remain nameless. This dear friend and I became close through my final year in high school and though we were not as close in college, I still valued his friendship high enough to consider him as close as a brother, and a friend whom I dearly loved as such. We helped each other through rough times and I specifically remember incidents where he was the only person I knew to turn to for a simple hug and I was the only person he knew to turn to for help. There are still fond memories that are now more bitter than sweet in my heart.

Over the past two months or so, it became increasingly difficult to contact him, which I owed up to the end of a pressing school year. Our last encounter was friendly. But since I’ve sensed a growing tension and an underlying air of deceit. I despise when my instincts hold up to any suspicion. These are times I hate to be right. I realized today I have been cut off from a major communication source between the two of us, that he was in a potentially life threatening situation and did not inform me, and that my suspicions were confirmed and he has in fact not invited me to a large celebration of personal achievement in his life. I do not know when he decided to cut off communication from me because our communication had grown so spotty. It seems it may have been about a week ago. I’m not really sure to tell you the truth, because he was not man enough to tell me that he didn’t want to speak to me, nor why. This total lack of regard for my feelings as well as open communication and honesty in our friendship leads me to think that even after what reason he may give me, our friendship will never be whole again. I can not be friends with someone I can not trust. This is my first personal rule of friendship. And he has displayed that I can not trust him. I suppose that is my conclusion. There are few responses that would allow for our friendship to continue.

I haven’t been hurt like this by a friend in a long time. I’d forgotten how much it stings.

Chat rooms are exellent places to spark ideas.

So is Google image search. I was trying to figure out how to spell “shuriken” (by the way, it’s s-h-u-r-i-k-e-n) πŸ˜‰ and I came across a picture of a classic four pointed shuriken stuck into a door frame. The picture had been taken from an indoor perspective, as if the viewer was just finding this pointy lethal object stuck into their door upon opening it. And it hit me: what a wonderful prank to play. If you have a friend who has absolutely no interest in the pristine condition of their home/apartment/whatever, stick a few shurikens in there and see what their reaction is. It will at very least give them something to think about for the day. πŸ™‚

Also, if you’re not interested in actually harming their property, buy a few of these little beauties. The ones shown are actually magnetic (good for metal doors and fridges) and can easily be converted to any other surface with a little glue or the like. On a completely unrelated note, while I find this joke good humored, others (including my parents and potential room mates) may not, so please do not attack me with this one and be considerate of others you inflict said treachery on. If however you’re intending fully on being a ruthless prick and destroying someone’s property one way or another, why not make things interesting? Leave a random sharp weapon near whatever it is you’ve destroyed. For example: for vandalism of walls by spray paint, why not leave a few badly battered paint cans and a morning star? Just to make people wonder. Or a shuriken stuck in a slashed tire. If you’re going to make someone’s day miserable, you might as well give them a strange head turning quirk to it, right?

I do not support vandalism or destruction of private property in any manner. I do, wholeheartedly, support making people think and making life interesting.

I realized today how very small I am.

Through some of the key development years of my life (mostly high school), I was conditioned by my brothers and my extra curricular activities, such as marching band and drama, to present myself as tall, respectable, and to command a room. Basically to gracefully bring the attention and respect of the room onto your front doorstep. All of this said and done, I rarely think of myself as a small person, and I realize that many other people often don’t as well. So let’s get this straight: I am 5’2″. I weigh anywhere from 125-135 lbs depending on my health and diet. I have a narrow hourglass frame and my posture, once pristine, has diminished over the past year and a half or so. All of this being said, it may strike you as somewhat amusing that today was the first time in a long time that I realized how very small I am. I was taking a shower and caught a glance of my frame in the mirror and I thought to myself, “Wow. I’m so tiny.” And I was actually a bit concerned for the girl my mirror was showing me, thinking she looked rather fragile and not at all as I normally would see myself. It made me realize that I’m no longer promoting a person I wish I could be. I am no longer “acting” confident because I am, in reality, self conscious. Occasionally this is the case, but not constantly, as it once was. I have become the person I once acted as and, in this case, that encourages me. It also makes me aware of just how potentially dangerous of a trait that is. If I am to act a certain way long enough, it will become who I am. My actions will be conditioned into personality traits, perceived or otherwise. This is a trait I am glad to have accomplished, to be perceived in stature by my personality and not by my literal figure. It’s one I don’t believe needs reconditioning.

And they said I didn’t learn anything in Psychology.

And now for something completely different: A man with a tape reccorder up his nose. I realized why it is that my cell phone’s vibrate tone is so specific to my ear, and why it has the capability to be picked up very nearly in music and even to wake me up from deep sleep. It is an (incredibly) flat G. The tone I hear so much because it is a common key for music and it wakes me up so easily because it is so awfully flat.

Sneezes Galore!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year again! Yes, yes, my friends, that’s right!! Allergy season! Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! My mouth is dry, my nose is perpetually itchy/sneezey, and my throat feels incredibly raw. Oh but yes, beautiful spring.

…and people wonder why I love fall.

The past few weeks have gone by in such a blur, it’s so very hard to keep track of things. If I didn’t have to log every event of the weeks previous and yet to come in order to keep my scheduling in line, I would completely forget what I did two evenings ago.(a) Now for today, two evenings ago was fairly substantial, so I can’t really forget that so easily, but get back three and four evenings ago and that’s pretty foggy.

I finished my exams and I passed sociology quite well but apparently bombed my psych final. I’m not so concerned about this beyond my grade point average and as I will have more time to dedicate to classes this coming fall, I’m confident I will be bringing that up easily. I learned a lot in psychology and very little in sociology, so it just goes to show that your grades do not always, if ever, reflect what you have learned. In fact I can not think of a class where what I learned and/or achieved was equal to my grade. For example: I always did well in my artistic classes in high school, but didn’t learn very much in them towards the end of my years. I was just good at those subjects.

After selling back my books, I deposited the money into my bank account. I find it incredibly sad that I spent around $600 on books this year and only got $150 of it back. My math book is no longer in use in the current curriculum at the community college, which means I wasted an unreasonable amount on a math book that I had no option but to buy new. That is so very reassuring.

On a positive note, my bank account has been in the black for an entire month now. This sounds rather simple, but it is a very large weight off my chest that with suchΒ  small amount biweekly I was able to support myself in what I needed while living at home. It’s encouraging to know I can live off of so little. I was in debt spottily over the last year, so it’s good to be steadily in the black.

My hair has been sheared off again. This time it’s much shorter than I can ever remember having it. It’s very fun, but I think I’ll be keeping it steadily longer at a medium length, and I will more than likely grow it out again as soon as band season starts. That sounds strange, but I use the beginning of band season as my marker for the beginning of Fall, even if it is August.

I realize I’m very tired of being under the legal age for the consumption of alcohol. Not because I want to go bar hopping and get shit faced on a regular basis, but because I do enjoy a mixed drink here and there and it is keeping me from my music! In some venues, that is. Ram’s Head is a wonderful tavern in Annapolis, MD and they have many shows of great artists, all of which I would be glad to attend. Unfortunately, you are not permitted to the shows unless you are of legal drinking age, with the exception of when the artist specifically sets up the show ahead of time for underage people to be able to attend. I was quite flustered this past Thursday when I found this was the case. The husband of my choir director was performing with another man and I was looking forward to the show, but upon inquiring after tickets, I was told I had to be 21 to attend. Thank goodness I hadn’t bought the tickets yet.

This past Saturday was absolutely wonderful. Busy. But wonderful. My brother and his house hold (being his roommates) moved to Annapolis and I helped them with this process. There were many setbacks but all in all after a hard day’s work everything was successfully moved from Queen Anne to Annapolis. That evening I attended a concert at St. Anne’s church in Annapolis for my graduated high school’s annual Spring Concert. (b) The concert was wonderful, with many songs speaking to me in many different ways. I will be ordering a CD this week. One song I suggest for any and everyone is the Finlandia Hymn. The link there is to a boy’s choir and thus their vowels are a bit pinched, but it is the closest arrangement I could find. The hymn is close to my heart and lifts my soul on even the darkest of days. After the concert, it seemed that the spiritual realm was a bit perturbed. Naturally with such glorious praise to God there will be a counter soon to follow. It was the first time in a long time I have had such a sweeping perception of such a large situation. I was very sensitive to spiritual underlying going-ons some time ago, but because of my own fear and discomfort at what I did not understand, I shut out the perception, just as I did my dreams. The dreams had returned, but this was the first event where my awareness of something spiritual was so perceptive again. It was a bit overwhelming, really. Not in the way that it used to be, but merely in the simple fact that it was there.

That evening I slept at my brother’s new place, being in Annapolis. I was driving my parents suburban so that we could get a couch the following day. It was wonderful to spend time with everyone in that house hold. It’s been a long time since I was able to spend time with them and it’s lovely having them so near by now. So lovely that I spent another night there. Sunday was supposed to be a piece of cake. Not so much. We headed to Ikea around 11:30. I needed to put gas in the truck. There was no key to the gas cap in the truck. We went to my parents house to get the key, a total of an hour out of our way. We left my parents house. We got lost on the way. I forgot to put gas in the tank until we were lost. In D.C. And there was a bad accident on the route we needed to take to get back to the exit we missed. And then we didn’t know how Ikea worked. And then they didn’t have our couch. We ordered one. Then we picked out pillows. Yay! There were better ones upstairs. Oooo tempting. So we searched for them. *hums “Bonanza” theme* And come to find out they come with a slip cover for a couch…and it costs $130. *sigh* So we got the original pillows. Well we might as well pick out chairs. These chairs are cheap and comfy, huzzah! Chairs ho! What about this pillow! Yes I wants it! Please note that the increasing insanity of this paragraph is both a reflection on the increasing frustration, insanity, and exhaustion of that day in addition to my current sleepy demeanor. In the end, we got a bunch of stuff for a really good price. I went to some good friends house that evening to spend some time with them and do some laundry. I was so exhausted by then that I ended up crashing there for a solid half hour while I waited for my laundry. I hung out there till 2:30ish and headed back to my brother’s pad, clean laundry and all. Now, it sounds really strange that I was out until early in the morning when I was so tired. However. I’m far more of a night person than I am a day person, so although I was still rather sleepy in demeanor, I was in fact far more energetic with the coming of night and my nap. πŸ™‚

Today I had orientation at my new job. I am now a team member of Target, and boy am I thrilled. I am working full time and I start tomorrow with my official training. I’m really looking forward to working there. The company is excellent at communication and organization as far as I can tell, which I value very, very highly as those are the things that were very, very lacking in my past two jobs. So it seems as though Target and I will get along very well.

Less than a month until I venture to Rome. I am thrilled at the thought.

And with that good people, I must be off to bed. I am quite tired from the business over the past few days and looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow very much. Thus, goodnight, sweet reader. Until I post again.

A few side notes:

a. During high school, I was quizzing a friend for a history test she had upcoming and she became frustrated that she was missing questions here and there and decided to ask me a few questions. She asked me who Leo Tolstoy was and what he did that was substantial. I answered the question with ease and she looked at me shocked, complaining that it was absurd that I could remember things like that when I couldn’t remember what I had for dinner the night before. After thinking for a few moments, I realized I actually could not remember what I had for dinner the evening before.

b. If you know how to refer to the high school that you graduated from without sounding awkward or as if you’re still in school, tell me please because this sounds right initially, but still rubs me the wrong way. I feel as if the grammatical structure paints the high school as graduated, and not me.

The End of the Semester

means two things: impending doom of papers and exams. And impending relief of being in classes in the first place. I realize that there’s been no point to me finishing these two classes this semester. I’m really just taking them to have -something- on my record for the semester. *shrug* So I think that’s why I’ve been so lax in paying attention to them.

In other news, I have a new job and thus hope to move out soon. Things at home with my parents are getting increasingly tense. And right now I’m headed to dinner. So there’s your little fill in to get my stats above zero. :p